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Shine On Success
Welcome to "Shine On Success," the podcast dedicated to exploring the journeys, challenges, and triumphs of today's entrepreneurs. Each episode from your host, Dionne Malush is crafted to inspire, educate, and empower you, whether you're just starting out or are a seasoned business owner.
Shine On Success
From Heartache to Hope: A Journey Through Life's Greatest Challenges
In this heartwarming episode of Shine On Success, host Dionne Malush welcomes Brian Heilig, author of Breathe, Eat, Poop, and Grow: Your Micro Preemie Story. Brian opens up about his family’s incredible journey through the birth of their micro-preemie son, Grayson, in Mexico, and how their unwavering faith, love, and community helped them navigate the challenges of preeclampsia, NICU life, and autism.
Through moments of fear and hope, Brian and his wife, Diana, found the strength to persevere. Their story reminds us that even in the most uncertain times, resilience and courage can carry us through. All proceeds from Brian's book go toward helping Mexican hospitals equip their NICUs with life-saving incubators. Tune in to hear an inspiring tale of survival, faith, and the enduring human spirit.
Connect with Brian here:
Website: https://brianheilig.com/
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/briansheilig/
Tiktok: https://www.tiktok.com/@micropreemiedad
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/p/Brian-Heilig-Writer-100071310040183/
Get the book on Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/Breathe-Eat-Poop-Grow-Micro-Preemie/dp/B0CXTZSC1W
Connect with Dionne Malush
- Instagram: @dionnerealtyonepgh
- LinkedIN: /in/dionnemalush
- Website: www.dionnemalush.com
- Facebook: /dmalush
- LinkTree: https://linktr.ee/dionnemalush
Have you ever wondered how much strength and courage it takes to fight for your child's life from the moment they are born? What would you do if, faced with the unimaginable? Welcome to another inspiring episode of Shine On Success, the podcast where we dive into the remarkable stories of those who have faced adversity head on and emerged stronger on the other side. I'm your host, dionne Mallett, and today we have a truly special guest, brian Heilig. Brian is not only a devoted husband and father, but also the author of Eat, poop and Grow, our micro-primis story. His journey alongside his wife, diana and their sons, grayson and Nathan, is one of resilience, faith and the incredible power of the human spirit. Welcome, brian, it's so nice to meet you.
Speaker 2:Thank you, dionne, appreciate it. Happy Welcome, brian. It's so nice to meet you.
Speaker 1:Thank you, dionne, appreciate it. Happy to be here. Oh, it's so exciting and I'm really excited to hear your story because you know this is what this podcast is about Adversity pushing through to the other side. It sounds like you've had your share.
Speaker 2:That's an understatement.
Speaker 1:So let's start with my most important question of the day. What is one thing you would like people to know about you that they may not know?
Speaker 2:Oh, all right, we're just rolling. Let's see One thing I used to be a magician.
Speaker 1:You did A magician. Yes, I love that.
Speaker 2:My grandmother gave me one of those kits, you know, when you're eight years old, with 75 tricks in it and I would perform in front of everybody, and then that developed into actually doing paid gigs all year long. Yeah, so it was. It was a great great part of time.
Speaker 1:Yeah, you were a paid magician. That's even more fun.
Speaker 2:Yes, absolutely.
Speaker 1:I love that. So you know we let's. I know obviously we're going to get to your story. I think that's important, but if you can hold onto one memory from the past few years, what would it be and why?
Speaker 2:The memory would be the picture, and that's what triggers the memory of the book cover, actually Grayson holding Diana's finger in the NICU. It just reminds me that anything is definitely possible, but also that my problems that I'm currently facing are nothing compared to what he went through and what we went through. So we're going to make it.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I love that and I believe you when you say that. So let's talk about it. Let's talk a little bit about you. Know what happened and what led you to write Eat, poop and Grow, and let's tell the story.
Speaker 2:Appreciate that. And just so you know that the title is Breathe, eat, poop and Grow.
Speaker 1:Oh, it's Breathe, Eat, Poop and Grow. That's the most important word. So there that's important.
Speaker 2:Those are all the things that you need to do in the NICU.
Speaker 1:Oh, that makes sense. I mean, it's pretty much what you need to do in life too, right.
Speaker 2:That's it. Yeah, absolutely so our story. You know, diane and I met in high school when we were 15 years old and we kind of reunited at about the you know, five year mark after after high school and we've been together ever since and we, um, we wanted to take things slow in our lives. You know, both our parents were divorced, so we kind of had a long engagement and then we had, you know, the wedding's going to be in three years kind of a thing, and finally, finally we got married. And then we said, well, we'll have kids down the future, you know in the future, and so forth. And finally it was like, well, now we're in our kind of mid to late 30s, we might probably start trying what's going on here and at that point.
Speaker 1:It wasn't working.
Speaker 2:So we started to not panic, but kind of look at what might be the issue, and we found out that Diana was not producing as many eggs, and the eggs that she was producing were, you know, weaker, if you will. So it got to the point where, like well, our options are really starting to narrow because now we're 40, you know, and you know what's going to happen. We're 39. And so we did our first round of IVF in the States, in Florida, and unfortunately that did not work out. We were going to the day of implantation for the embryos and the doctor called and said don't come. None of them made it.
Speaker 2:So that was not fun. But we we kind of thought, well, we're not going to have kids. And a friend at work she said, hey, listen, I don't know if you know, but we fostered to adopt and I didn't know that that was a thing. Lo and behold, we became foster parents and we had little baby Eva at seven days old. And we very quickly learned after a month or so that we're not going to get to adopt her. And we did have her until she was five months old. So when we gave her back, that was, yeah, that was heart wrenching. Oh, how could that happen? It was just crazy. And and so then we're like we're not having kids, we're done, it is what it is, you know, it's just not going to happen.
Speaker 2:But I had friends of mine who I worked with in mexico and puerto vallarta years prior reach out to me and say hey, hey, look, we're, we're getting the band back together. Do you want to join us now in Cancun? And you know, and and build our resort. And I was like you know what, let me talk to Diana. And she did all the research and it so happened. It just so happened that our friend he was the acupuncturist in Cancun for an IVF doctor who had a very high success rate. So Diana said, listen, I'll go, but let's give IVF another go. And I said more power to you, babe, that's all I need, because the ladies, the women, go through a lot to do the shots and everything. So it fast forward. She got pregnant, holy cow, it worked, and we were ecstatic. Of course we made the announcements, we, you know she had a baby shower, the whole thing.
Speaker 2:But then right about like at 25 weeks kind of into it a little bit, 25 and a half weeks, if you will she developed severe preeclampsia and we had to deliver the baby to save her life and I couldn't fathom what that was like. We're in Mexico, it's now approaching 26 weeks, and that was the alternative. It's there, there is no real alternative. And so you know, I remember vividly Diana just flailing around saying just save the baby, let me die. You know, I mean she was delirious and I just was like, well, how do you? I don't, you don't put two things you don't put in your birth plan preeclampsia and micro preemie baby, you know, like a premature birth.
Speaker 2:So we were completely unprepared, as you can imagine. At that point we were literally hanging out for dear life, because at that level in the hospital no doctors really speak English and we are Spanish. Is, you know, no bueno, you know, especially in the medical arena, and we even had translators that they themselves couldn't translate the medical terms. So we didn't know ever what was really going on. And after Diana had her C-section, her body started shutting down, so she went into the ICU and I have her in ICU, grayson in the NICU, and I'm just sitting there like what. I don't even know what to do.
Speaker 1:I'm sure, yeah, I'm sure that's so difficult. I never had kids, so I can only imagine. But a little bit about my story. When I was a year and three months old, my brother was born and died in three days, so I felt my parents dream happiness and then I felt their devastation, so even at that young of an age.
Speaker 1:So from that I learned as an adult that why I never wanted to have kids, because I felt right and I went through with them. And you know, my mom told me one time it took her 10 years before she would even talk about it. Yeah, I was their only son, you know, and we had the heat. She had two more girls after that, so there was three girls and I kind of had to be the boy and stick up for the younger sisters all the time and I still would. So, yeah, but so I don't know what you feel like. I don't know that, but I do know the sense of that. You know what we went through as a family and you know the first seven years are really critical in Todd's life. So, yeah, so let me ask you this question so before his birth you were passionate about something. How did your life shift after that moment?
Speaker 2:well, every single thing in life became all about Grayson and Diana, you know. Know, like everything, nothing else mattered. I remember, you know, thinking that I could go back to work but who are you kidding? I mean, there's no mental capacity that you can fathom to be productive at work. While your baby's in the NICU, and, you know, diana, luckily, after several days she, her body, started, you know, healing and getting better and she was able to come out of the ICU.
Speaker 2:But our whole world was Grayson. That was it period. I mean, we would talk about breathe, eat poop and grow, like all we would do is is is breathe, grayson, and, and you know we wouldn't be eating and all of it. You know, it was just, um, all all hands on deck and it was extra, like I said, deck, and it was extra, like I said before, it was extra difficult just because we didn't know what was going on. And luckily, we went live, you know, on Facebook, our. We had so many people reaching out to us because the word started spreading that it was difficult to get back to every single person individually. So we chose to go live on Facebook actually and tell our story, and thank goodness we did, because we then had people reach out literally from all over the world, especially NICU nurses, letting us know that hey look, he's not necessarily in the best position. Do they have an isolate or an incubator, you know, to put them in? And I was like what's that? I don't even know, like I've never been in the NICU, I don't know what you're talking about. But just to put it in perspective, he was in an open bed with saran wrap around it, in a heat wrap, and that was it. Like his legs were flailing around and you know he's supposed to be in the womb, all nice and tucked in and fetal position.
Speaker 2:So at that point then the doubt and fear started really coming in, because I know that we have a phenomenal doctor, we're at the best hospital, but do we actually have the best equipment and care for Grayson? So once that happened, we had friends, like I said, just, it was just an incredible outpouring of community to help us navigate. People put in time of community to help us navigate. People put in time prayers, money, like the donations were just absolutely incredible. To move then Grayson to the states. So he was 21 days in the NICU in Mexico and then we were able to transport him to Miami and he stayed there another 84 days. But I'll tell you, when we got there I showed them pictures in Miami of the equipment in Mexico and they were like I remember studying about how it used to be and that's what it looked like you know, yeah, it was.
Speaker 2:It was really incredible. And that's part of the mission, of the book. You know, all the net proceeds are going toward putting proper incubators in Mexican hospitals, because a lot of the babies don't make it and it's it's a has a lot to do with just equipment, because the doctor is phenomenal.
Speaker 1:You know, but it was a doctor. Great that's, that's amazing. So thankfully you had a great doctor incredible.
Speaker 2:Dr Campos is absolutely. They actually said and this gets me a little going right but they said that he is a phenomenal doctor in Miami. They said he's a phenomenal doctor. He kept Grayson alive but now he'll thrive in Miami. Like they were that confident. But who knows if we would have had to keep him in Mexico? I mean, it's really. The statistics are staggering. When babies are born at that gestation in Mexico, the ones that survive and don't, it's just compared to the US. It's absolutely mind blowing.
Speaker 1:So you and Diana had to have this immense strength inside. What did you? How did you pull that strength out of yourselves?
Speaker 2:Well, that's I'll never forget I. There's this area hospital called the chapel, and it's this very white, sterile but yet soft, because of the windows are frosted so the light comes in from outside, so it kind of feels like warmth, but it's very cold and sterile. There's white furniture, white floors, white walls, flowers, beautiful flowers that are very fragrant. And then I remember that feeling of I'm helpless and alone, standing in the hallway there looking at both Nikki and I see you.
Speaker 2:And when I was in the chapel one day I remember I looked up and on the wall was a rustic wooden framed picture of Jesus and I was like I'm not alone and I need your help, you know. And so prior to that it was like why is this happening to us? And then during that transition, it was like help me, please. You know they say that the walls of the NICU have heard more prayers than the walls of the church, and so when you're desperate and you're on your knees, that's who I look to and needed to get me through personally. That's how I feel I was able to do it because there was many, strung together, sleepless days and nights trying to figure all this out.
Speaker 1:And yeah, so at what point did you realize that you wanted to share your story? So the Facebook idea right Going live on Facebook I am. So I'm just sitting here. Still, I don't even know how to explain the feeling of what that did for you and being able to use social media for such a good thing. Yeah.
Speaker 2:Yeah, because everyone's, you know I mean, they downplay it or it's this, that or whatever. But I actually wrote to Zuckerberg a private message and cause. Their mission statement was to connect people through community, whatever it was at that moment, and I said this is what happened to us.
Speaker 2:He never replied, but in the moment I was super grateful because I was able, we were able to get that help that we needed. But also in that the story was so incredible and unbelievable that one of our friends, in the comments hundreds and hundreds of comments she said you should write a book. This is just, it should be a movie or something. Because this is just absolutely incredible, you know, and at that moment of course it was like, yeah, right, but it was a seed that was planted. After a year, you know, of Grayson going through what he went through and coming home and then us adjusting and figuring it out. It kind of stuck in there and we were like man, every single person that I told our story to said this should be a book, this should be a movie. This is incredible, you know, you should write a book. And so it was here we go. Here's where all that ticks and ties.
Speaker 2:I we kind of you know, diane and I were like we should write the book. You know we started having notes and so forth, but procrastinated. So about three years went by of we should write a book. And there we are, we're at church and the pastor said hey, listen, have you ever asked God what he wants you to do with your life, and and I thought well, that's a new one. Yeah, I was like well, no, I just want what I want, you know.
Speaker 2:But I thought, okay, he said, let's try it. Close your eyes and ask. And it was. I mean, it was almost immediate. It was write the book, speak about it and transform lives. And the next day I started writing and it was just that mantra. That was my mantra every single day, waking up at four in the morning, three in the morning, to squeeze in 15 minutes or 20 minutes of writing, you know, until finally, 26 months. It was the manuscript. The first copy of it was done, crazy.
Speaker 1:When did you publish? What year was it?
Speaker 2:So it was about five months ago.
Speaker 1:Five months, so 2024,. He just recently published. Yes, how old is Grayson?
Speaker 2:He just turned seven.
Speaker 1:Seven. What a great story. So what about Nathan? Tell me about Nathan.
Speaker 2:This is the craziest thing. So you know, look, we can't get pregnant, right, we went two rounds of IVF, we tried for years before that. Just naturally nothing happened. We go through what we go through and Diana started acting crazy, like she was getting mean, biting my head off and everything she said. She was having hot flashes and she thought she was going through the change. You know she's like this is it, I'm going, I'm like babe, you're not that old, what are you?
Speaker 1:doing. She was over 40 then, right.
Speaker 2:Grayson was born when we were 41.
Speaker 1:Now we're 43.
Speaker 2:At one point on the way home she calls. She's like you know what we get the pregnancy test. Bam, she gets pregnant. Naturally, we were in shock and terrified all at the same time, because the last thing we want to do is go through that again, you know. And so we constantly had her checked out and explain what happened the first time and I mean it wasn't fun. I mean it was just not fun. It was so stressful because now we're approaching 20 weeks. Now we're approaching 25 weeks and we're just like, stay in there, kid, you know like what is happening? 26 weeks, ok, 27. It was like week by week, day by day, and he was able to go as full term as possible because she had to do C-section with him, because of the first C-section. But he was born oh my gosh crazy. And we named him Nathan, gift from God, you know.
Speaker 1:Oh, that's perfect.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it was just incredible. And then after that, after we knew he was healthy and everything was good, I went right to the doctor and had my bisectomy. I go we're good.
Speaker 1:I don't want to go through that anymore. I'm not pushing this again. That's such a great story, so I just don't. It's so much you had to deal with in such a short period. So tell me about life now. Like, how is Brian and Diana's life now?
Speaker 2:So it progressed because at around two years old, when Grayson was two, diana, you know he had been in therapy since he was born because of his prematurity, you know occupational therapy, speech therapy, ot, everything, physical therapy and but Diana was like something's off, something's not clicking up there, and I was like baby's two, he's delayed. You know what do you want? She goes nah, something's up. Well, at three years old he was diagnosed on the autism spectrum, which we've come to find out, that babies born at 26 weeks have a 30% increased chance of developing autism. So, okay, now we're dealing with that.
Speaker 2:And newborn and this, this little kid, grayson, I mean he's been through more life than most people you know, in their whole lives, and so he's three. And so he's. He look. But here's the good news he's a thriving seven-year-old navigating the world as a neurodivergent. He's incredible. Everybody loves him. As soon as they meet him, they just fall in love with them. He's super wicked, smart. He loves to read, you know, and Nathan is the little quote big brother, you know, who gets Grayson to do things that he doesn't want to do and that he would be afraid to do without me, and like jumping off the couch out of the beanbag.
Speaker 2:He's like you can do it, Grayson, you know the connection there is incredible, and so how we navigate that is, I guess, like any other family with kids. At this point, it's like every day is a new experience, and we try to cherish every single moment of being as present as possible, which is harder than it's, you know. It's easy to say but much more difficult to do. But we're very aware and cognizant of what he and we've been through, so that every single current moment is, you know, a gift.
Speaker 1:You seem so very positive talking to you and I wonder about your mindset navigating through those times. How did you keep your mindset? I know you said the church was a big deal when you were inside that chapel Every day. Is there something that you did every day to keep yourself positive?
Speaker 2:In the early days, especially in Mexico, it was more of you just kind of go numb and the you only have. You know people say, okay, so let me. I know I'm all over. People say all the time I don't know how you do it. Or you know, especially with Grayson and what he's dealing with, and the real, the real thing is, because I have no option, I have no other option, you know you. You you just keep putting one foot in front of the other and you know you break down when you break down and Diana and I have a very open line of communication. You know I get home and I I'm like tired from working all day. She's a total like gone from taking care of the kids all day and she's like I'm out, peace, they're yours. You know he said, okay, got tag, I'm in, you know, and we just really well together.
Speaker 2:But there's one thing that happened in the NICU that I love to share, especially with parents that are dealing with this fresh, and that is someone had told us let's start envisioning Grayson's first birthday and I thought, amazing, right, like that's not what you think of when you're going through it. You're just like you're in total survival mode. But that switch made us go okay, let's start planning his first birthday. Who's going to be there? Where is it? Well, he's in the NICU, in an isolate, you know. Where is it? Well, he's in the NICU, in an isolate, you know. But it gave us that hope, if you will, or that goal toward to strive toward.
Speaker 2:And the other thing, that once we got to Miami, it was an incredible hospital and they had music therapy. Well, there's music therapy for the children, but there's also music therapy for the parents, and we signed up for it. It, you know. And she brought us in this dome kind of amazing sounding room. It was just you could hear one pluck from the guitar and it just reverberated around this whole entire room and she would strum her guitar and have us close our eyes and then imagine Grayson at five and we're like both of us, without each other knowing. Later we said what did you think of? What did you think of? And Diana's like I, both of us without each other knowing. Later we said what did you think of? What did you think of? And Diana's like I thought of Disney. I said so did I? I totally thought of Disney. You know, let's take him to Disney when he's five, so that helped propel. You know that the one-year-old birthday party got us through Mexico and then imagining a five-year-old Disney got us through Miami.
Speaker 1:So I was on a call a couple weeks ago and they were talking about the law of assumption I guess, assuming the outcome right and he said something and I wrote it down.
Speaker 1:I just wrote on this little paper because it was so important. Live in this, remember how it happened, dig into it and expect it. And I you just made me think for everything, not just challenging things, for important things. Right, you can live in the assumption of it and I loved it so much that I had it on my desk and they were talking about this event that I was at and how the speakers actually sat down before the event and they were talking about what it looked like doing the event and themselves on the stage and all of that. So we actually watched it happen in real time, but they thought it before it even happened.
Speaker 2:So cool.
Speaker 1:So cool and I love it. So have you ever read the book Thinking Grow Rich?
Speaker 2:I have it's been. It's one of the first books I read out of high school. Really, you know my dad never thought I could read because I never read books. But yeah, I love Think and Grow Rich.
Speaker 1:Just that whole concept is similar right, rich in everything, it's not just money. But it sounded good, right, I think a lot of people bought it because they thought Think and Grow Rich was money. But there's so much positivity and you know I try to live in that every day, although owning a company with 200 people for me it's a lot and there's a lot of times they get into my bubble. A company with 200 people for me it's a lot and there's a lot of times they they get into my bubble. But I'm, you know, better than I once was and it helps. And you know I'm going through some stuff too personally.
Speaker 1:Like I lost my dad and you know I know that that's expected when people get old. But he was my person and he was. He was my first love ever since I opened my eyes. I loved him and so I had to. I got to have him for 55 years and my first birthday without him. It was so hard because he him and my mom would sing happy birthday to me at midnight. Like there's all these things, even as a grown adult, that most people wouldn't think is important. But you know I'm so happy that your outcome was amazing and I know that there's challenges, I'm sure you know. But it's challenging having kids right. That's why I never had them. I don't know if I can handle it, but it's challenging having kids right. That's why I never had them. I don't know if I can handle it, I'm like you, just don't know, it's crazy.
Speaker 2:Yep, yeah, I'm sure.
Speaker 1:So let's talk about some advice you would give to other parents going through a similar challenge with their children, like what advice could you give them?
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, I mean again, nobody puts that in their birth plan. So, number one, you know it's not your fault, it's what is, and so what's to do about it is to be in it. There's still moments that you can cherish. It's not normal to watch your kid develop outside of the womb right, they're supposed to be in the womb. But I would say to lean on people, especially for guys don't be so macho and think that you have it all figured out and you can handle it. You need to have that release and have some type of community.
Speaker 2:I'm in a dad's NICU group, diana's in a mom's NICU group and so forth, and just to have people like now myself coming out of it for seven years to then be in that group of someone who just admitted their kid or whatever's happening. You know we're there to support. So seek the help, accept the help for sure, and stay on the roller coaster. Just stay on, just stay on. The other thing that I love to tell parents is a couple of things is to document everything. You never know if you're going to ever write a book, but regardless of that, just document everything. However, that, whatever that means to you, if it's writing, journaling, if it's you know, going live and just telling you, sharing your story. If it's you know photos or videos, just document it, because you'll look back at that at one day and go, wow, if we got through that you can get through anything.
Speaker 2:you know, and the last thing that I always tell parents is you are the parent, so the doctors always mean well, the nurses always mean well, but you are the parent and you know and have that connection for what's best for your child and listen to yourself and your gut and question everything that seems to be a question. You are the only person that could advocate the best way for your own child. So don't back down. Advocate, advocate, advocate, because they're depending on you. You know your child, so you know I turned into a different human being in the NICU. I'm sure the nurses would probably say sorry, but they're used to it. I'm very non-confrontational, but, man, let me tell you. When something didn't seem right, I was like let's get it on.
Speaker 1:I'm like a monster in the hospital. People do not want to see me coming and I don't mean to, but you know that you want to get answers, you need to talk and you need to talk through. Actually, one of my friends her mom is she goes live on Instagram all the time about things that happen in the hospital that you know, that you don't know until it's too late. So it's kind of cool to watch her story. But one thing I have to say like you know, I believe that we go through things so we can help other people. Part of reading books personal development is that we seek expert counsel. So now you are the expert counsel, right? So people come to you to seek that your story, brian is one of possibility.
Speaker 1:It proves that there is so much. There is possibility and you have to continue to believe in it. And your love, your resilience, just the human spirit of you and Diana is amazing for all of us to watch, and so thank you for sharing that with me. So how can our listeners find you? How can they buy your book? Because I want to help you sell that book, and you know what can we do to help.
Speaker 2:Yes, I really appreciate this platform allowing me to be that conduit, if you will, to help people. I really appreciate it. It's step two right Write the book done. Step two to speak about it. Here we are, so thank you Visualize me Exactly, so it's simple. You can go to my website.
Speaker 2:It's my name, first name, last namecom brianheiligcom, so B-R-I-A-N-H-E-I-L-I-Gcom. From there, you have two options. If you're in the States and you want to have a signed copy by Grayson and myself, we can do that and make that happen for you, or there's also a link right to Amazon. So we're on Amazon for the book. My social media is on there as well, but I mean, I'm Brian Heilig on Facebook, brian S Heilig on Instagram. Thank you, I love you. You're so funny. Thank you, and I'm on TikTok teetering with that as the Micropremie dad. So Brian Heilig as well. So I pretty much use my name. So it's transparent everywhere, makes sense and I appreciate it. Remember also, all net proceeds are going toward helping babies in Mexico.
Speaker 1:Which is very important. So thank you. And one important thing is, if we help one person with this podcast, the podcast is a success. So thank you for joining me, thank you for what you're doing, thank you for sharing your story, because it's people like us that share our stories and our lives can help many other people. So thank you and Diana very much and good luck with the boys. I know that their young boys are probably rambunctious and fun and I hope that you know. I hope Nathan and Grayson have the most amazing life.
